Right now I have a
bit on my plate, and the most recent presidency has been causing
nothing but problems to a lot of people I love. But I decided to
return to this blog with a new initiative of new posts this time
three times a week. This shall be the Monday installment, basically a
Jumpchain popularized by the /tg/ board. Yes, despite it being a pit
of scum there are good ideas there on occasion. It shall be a palette
cleanser and a true instance of unrepentant geeking in the face of my
semi-professional obligations. Not familiar with a Jumpchain? That's
why I wrote a prologue below.
Prologue
The Cyber Tavern
was empty, then again I'm the one to blame for that. What was once a
haven for the oddballs of society, the ones I share kinship with, has
become a ghost town. Paralyzed by the shock of the horrors
surrounding us. Even the annoying ants had left.
I was tending to the
bar, going through the rote actions of cleaning a glass for way too
long, while eyeing a bottle of wide mouth bourbon. I told myself
never again. Alcohol is the mind killer, and I do not want to lose
what I hold so preciously close.
But the protests
have begun. Information has become unreliable. People who I once saw
as just heroes became complacent in the madness. Worse yet, my
contacts have gone dark, meaning I couldn't even rely on my trade of
game criticism and commentary without losing money.
It stared at me on
the bar. Taunting me like a Faustian temptation. No one else will
know. Drink up and enjoy the blissful numbness.
I finally put down
the glass and picked up the bottle with my hand hovering over the
stopper.
“You know that
stuff will kill you right?”
I jumped a little
and dropped the bottle of hooch. It clattered to the counter, the
stopper popping loose and spelling the golden-brown poison. I reached
below the counter and tried to sound as confident as I could.
“Who are you?” I
asked, “ The Cyber Tavern is closed.”
“And yet here you
are,” the stranger replied.
“You know it's
dangerous around here right?”
“You know that you
don't even have a gun under that counter?”
My heart jumped
several beats. What the hell is going on? The stranger stepped into
the light and revealed herself to be a woman. Six foot tall, leggy as
hell, and rocked the kind of cheekbones that wouldn't be out of place
on a strong-willed woman. She was wearing a simple black dress that
flowed over every single inch of her perfect figure as effortlessly
as a waterfall. In the most blunt terms, she was smoking hot. That made her suspicious.
“You better not be
here to fool me there's attractive singles in my area.” I joked,
trying to relieve the tension.
“What a mortal
thing to do. Still, this form is the only thing I could think of that
would make you listen to me.” She says, casually pouring a drink of
vodka from the bar. Wait a minute, I don't recall having the bottle
on the counter.
“Be a dear and
hand me something to pair this with?” She said with a giggle.
I slapped the drink
off the counter and got in her face, getting as angry as I could,
projecting my frustrations into a righteous fury.
“Tell me why
you're here before I throw you out!” I bellowed.
“You can call me
Jump. Or Jump-chan if you like. And I am what you would call a God.”
Jump responded, tilting her head in a cutesy-poo fashion. She then
calmly pushed me out of her face. Strange how she got me to yield so
fast.
“Oh lovely. What
are you here for then Jump? Some angry rant about one of my pieces?
Here to harass me about being political? Is it about my active Twitter use lately?”
“Oh heavens no.
Truth is, I'm bored and I'd like to issue you a challenge. Consider
it a wager if you will.” Jump explained, suddenly sipping on a
perfectly mixed Shirley Temple that appeared out of the corner of my
perception.
“How familiar are
you with the multiverse?”
“Jump, I'm a high
end nerd. Discussing and reveling in multiverses is my crack. What
about it?”
“Well, it exists.
Every world ever conceived from a creative mind, be it from a film, a
book, or a video game. They all exist in all of their creative
glory.”
“The powers, the
settings, the characters? Everything?”
“Everything.”
I shook my head
casually. Of course they exist, they helped me at parts of my life,
that is real enough to me.
“So what is your
challenge?”
“I am going to
make you a Jumper. A Planeswalker if you will. The ability to travel
to these worlds. And just to sweeten the deal, it shall be worlds
that you have personal investment in. Places that...shall we say,
shaped you?”
“That seems
awfully generous for a challenge.”
“Well, here we
come to the rules. Before each jump you will have some resources to
assist you in that world. Abilities that are exclusive to that place.
Let's say the ability to fly like Superman, or to run like The Flash
if you joined the world of DC Comics. However, you must live in that
world for ten years, participate in the struggles of that world and
survive along with the heroes, villains, and citizens of that plane.
Either as savior, or conqueror, or that guy on the street that sells oranges. It doesn't really matter to me. Don't
worry, your body will be at a different age in the world that isn't
your own.”
“What happens
after a decade?” I ask, my curiosity piqued.
“You are given a
choice. You can simply choose to return home. To this watering hole
and go back to your life as it was, with all of the wisdom,
knowledge, and talents you have accumulated through your travels.
Alternatively, you can choose to live in the world you spent a decade
in. Life in this world will continue on as if you simply vanished,
but you will be a permanent part of that world, for better and for
worse. Finally, you simply Jump to another world, with all of the
gifts and abilities you earned from before, so you may continue your
quest.”
“A quest? That
implies that there's an end goal for this whole thing. Cuz it sounds
like you're giving me a blank check to become a demigod by going
through multiple worlds like a superpower clearance sale.” I
interject.
“Oh you are a
sharp one. I like that. But yes, the consolation prize is getting
different abilities, the prize is a place I have designated as an
endgame universe. A world full of those that can challenge Gods.
After you take as much time as you like, seriously take like three
centuries I don't care, your final challenge will lie with spending a
decade there. You will be a part of that world's greatest conflicts
the entire time and no matter how great their might is, if you die
you fail and are sent home. But if you survive the decade you must
challenge that world's greatest hero and win.”
“And why would I
want to go to those lengths? Demigodhood sounds pretty sweet
already.” I query.
“How about
Godhood?”
I take a step back
and accidentally knock over some top shelf nanite gel.
“If you succeed, I
shall grant you a Planeswalker Spark. This will allow you to travel
the multiverse at will. Every life you lived will exist
simultaneously, you can visit anywhere in the multiverse at will for
as long as you like, and you can return home with all of this power
and more.”
I pull up a chair
and mull things over. A decade in a world to gain power, to make my
own adventures, then the ability to rinse and repeat in multiple
worlds to prepare for a throwdown with a grand hero with godhood as
the prize. That just might be the greatest deal of my entire life. It's too
good to be true.
“Alright, why are
you doing this?” I ask, “There has to be a reason for this.
Monkey's Paw? Lesson in humility? Some Never Meet Your Heroes
nonsense?”
“I already told
you. I'm bored, and it looks like you could use it. A little escapism
can go a long way. Always so dry and analytical, why not live a
little?”
“A decade is more
than a little escapism, Jump.”
“Oh but there is
the joy of this. Time will be still in this world. Win or lose, you
will be back in about five seconds real time.”
I look around my
empty tavern....
“So if I were to
still do stuff here this would interfere with that-”
“In no way
whatsoever.”
“Alright, Jump.
You have yourself a deal. Any other rules that I should know about?”
“Oh just a few
things. No matter the world's metaphysics about the afterlife or
reincarnation, if you die in that world you will be thrown back home.
No fighting your way out of Hell to continue the challenge.” Jump
explains, suddenly in a cheesy devil costume, smiling coyly.
I roll my eyes, her
trickster god act starting to wear thin. I motion her to go on.
“Alright. You also
have some choices with how you enter your jump. But my mouth is
getting a little dry,”
“Can't you just
will yourself a glass of water or something?”
“Don't be a
smartass. That's my job.” She snaps, drinking a glass of water
fresh out of hammer space while handing me a piece of paper.
I quickly look over
the paper, the rules for how I can stack my stays in my favor. Wait a
minute...
“I can choose to
have a history in the world I Jump to?”
“Yep.”
“But how will I
remember who I am?”
“You just will.
But having a history will make people more trusting of you.”
“And this whole
section about my age and...gender will be randomized?”
“Either stay
twenty six or stay a dude, up to you.”
“I'll take being a
dude please.”
“Alright. Also
take this,” says Jump, tossing me a normal looking key.
“What the heck is
this?”
“The key to the
Warehouse. Think of it as a storage shed for the stuff you'll
collect.”
“And the key goes
to what door?”
“Any door.”
“Like the Velvet
Room?” I say, remembering the logic of a favorite JRPG.
“Sure, whatever.
So ready to go?”
“Alright, beam me
up, Scotty.”
I snap awake with
a mild headache and shook myself out of my bed. The room was dark,
save for a series of blinking red numbers on my right side. I reach
over to hit the snooze button casually, only to have my hand go
through the numbers. The lack of contact jolts me out of my sleep
induced stupor. I pull off the sheets and get a better look at the
clock. It isn't a clock; it's a hollow display. With the numbers
03:81.
Wait a minute, that
can't be right. My eyes must be gunked together or something. I reach
around in the dark, only to stumble to the floor. This isn't my
bedroom.
“Dammit, where the
hell is the light switch?”
A cool female voice
croons from the ceiling, “Bedroom lights activated.” and the
entire room is flush with color. Industrial metal floors? Pulp sci-fi
décor with a hint of 21 Century Modernist influence? The fact that
on a second glance the clock still reads 03:81? I shake my head in
confusion and pull myself back to my feet, my slender blue
arms pressing me up casually.
Oh hell no.
I dash towards the
open bathroom door on my left side, it whooshing shut behind me. I
take a seat on the U-bend and start taking some deep breaths. I look
down and see the body of a conventionally attractive woman in a shade
of dark blue instead of of my usually puckish male frame. I
reflexively reach for my hair in horror, only for my hands to meet a
collection of tentacle like appendages made of hardened cartilage slicked towards the back of my
skull. Standing up in shock I grab a look at a mysterious woman in
the mirror, only to discover that it was my new face. The face of an
alien race notorious for being monosexual; all female.
“Jump, you devious
bitch!” I exclaim, my voice coming out an octave higher than
normal. She didn't mention being other species! I like romancing the blue women of the Asari, not being one!
“Attention all
passengers. We have dropped out of FTL speed and are ready to dock at
the Citadel. Please have your documentation ready for C-Sec clearance.”
My azure reflection
became several shades whiter as I realized where I was. The
optimistic future of the world of Mass Effect, about ready to dock at The Galactic Citadel, the center stage of some of the greatest conflicts of the galaxy. And it's a safe bet I have no papers since I still remember talking to Jump at the tavern with nothing else inbetween.
Cool a jumpchan that does not start with pokemon
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